How we use our time alone can transform our ability to form closer relationships with others.
[In his book, Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, Dr. Vivek Murthy offers four practical tips for how we can begin to overcome loneliness, both in our lives and the lives of others. This is the third of a four-post series.]
Tip #3 may seem counterintuitive: Embrace solitude through activities like prayer, meditation, music, or time outdoors. Having a stronger connection with oneself makes it easier to build stronger relationships with others.
At first glance, time away from others doesn’t seem like a crucial step for combating loneliness. We should be embracing others first, right? Unfortunately, with hectic lives filled with constant distractions, many of us aren’t even connected to our inner selves, much less with others.
This tip isn’t primarily about being alone, since we are often too busy to even notice whether other people are around. However, when we embrace solitude, we can take time to be alone with our thoughts on a deeper level. That allows us to reconnect with ourselves, gaining more perspective about who we are and the issues we are facing.
When we become more comfortable in our own skin, we can more genuinely bond with others without being needy or clingy. Or looking down on those we might feel “superior” to. Or not feeling worthy enough to even be in a close relationship.
Solitude can be more than just getting in touch with our inner selves. It can also be the perfect environment to experience God’s presence. For me, “Be still and know that I am God” is more than just the 10th verse from Psalm 46. It has become a lifechanging truth.
My longest periods of deep solitude occurred during three-day men’s retreats at a Jesuit retreat house in Minnesota, which I attended nearly every Spring from the late-1980s to the mid-1990s. Except for an hour after dinner and during worship, we observed silence. The retreat provided lengthy periods between sessions for contemplation, prayer, and walks around the huge lakeshore property, which offered many places to experience deep solitude.
These retreats became foundational for both my relationship with God and my life’s direction. They were so lifechanging that I eventually organized and facilitated small group retreats through my own church.
The solitude also had an effect on my relationships with others. I remember (as best I can from more than 30 years ago) my wife, Kathy, talking to the wife of another retreat participant. They agreed that they hated having their husbands away for three days, but they loved the changed person who returned home.
Growing up, I was painfully shy around people I didn’t know so, at times, I could be a bit of a loner. My journeys into solitude helped to see myself differently, through God’s loving eyes. The love I experienced began to slowly change me into a less withdrawn and more loving person.
One important way to prepare for better interactions with others is to periodically step away from our distractions to reconnect with ourselves and with God. Collectively, our “better” selves can be a powerful force to help turn the tide in transforming our increasingly lonely world.
If you have an experience with solitude that you would like to share, please do so by commenting below.
Patrick Klingaman
The Regathering Project: Let's Transform the World, One Relationship at a Time 