The give and take that comes with embracing our interdependence with others is crucial for developing healthy communities.
In his book, Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, Dr. Vivek Murthy offers four practical tips for how we can begin to overcome loneliness, both in our lives and in the lives of others. This is the fourth of a four-post series.
In his final tip, Dr. Murthy emphasizes the importance of helping and being helped: “Giving and receiving, both, strengthen our social bonds—checking in on a neighbor, seeking advice, even just offering a smile to a stranger…all can make us stronger.”
Part of our problem with isolation and loneliness can be traced back to an overly sentimental attachment to independence. As an American male, I grew up desiring self-sufficiency, not wanting to be too dependent on others for my success. Maybe that is part of why I was drawn to more individualistic pastimes like writing, reading, and running.
Of course, when we think about it, complete independence is an illusion. Most of us wake up in a bed we did not build (I’m grateful for that!). Then we look at a clock we bought that displays time in a system created by others long ago. Those of us who are not farmers sit down to a breakfast of food and drink we did not produce. We get in vehicles and drive on roads we did not build. Our phones and other screens connect us to content that countless others helped create.
Brother David Steindl-Rast, in his classic book, Gratefulness, the Heart of Prayer, suggests that our choice isn’t between dependence and independence but between alienation and interdependence. When we both help and allow others to help us, we are creating the building blocks for effective gathering. He writes, “…interdependence joins us with others through the bond of a joyful give-and-take, a bond of belonging.”
Too often, we can view ourselves and our relationships as either giver or receiver, but not both. How might the world change if we could see that every one of us has something to offer, that every one of us needs help in one way or another?
For instance, those on either extreme of the age scale often get placed in the exclusively needy category. However, have you ever seen what happens when you bring together nursing home residents with daycare kids? Everyone seems to come alive, helping one another give and receive exactly what the other needs–especially the need to be needed and useful. It’s a beautiful thing.
Throughout history, togetherness and interdependence always seem to be a work in progress. Right now, a host of societal changes have spurred a spike in alienation, leading to dangerously unhealthy levels of loneliness. By taking even a single step toward interdependence–something as simple as asking for advice–we generate small ripples of togetherness that can spread far beyond what we might see.
If you’d like to share an example from your own experience, include a comment below. Thanks!
Patrick Klingaman
The Regathering Project: Let's Transform the World, One Relationship at a Time 